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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in dr_raw_phd ライト、ランシ゛'s LiveJournal:

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Sunday, November 6th, 2016
6:57 am
A woman who torments and delights.
A woman who torments and delights.

Do you ever have one of those moments in life, where you just want the world to implode around you. I think what it is that I want most in a moment like that is merely to escape. Life is too complicated to live in the shadow of what our imaginations create, or at least that's the sense I've given myself. I'm not sure if any of that makes sense in the long run, but it's what's coming to my head now, as I sit down and enjoy a rum and cherry coke. The older I get, the more I long for the simple things in life. Yet, life is anything but simple. I never dreamed that I'd think myself a fool for wanting to rush the process of growing up. When we're little, we think we know more than our parents, but as we grow older we learn just how right they were about not wanting to rush growing up.

Perhaps one area where this is more accurate than any other is the area of love. I always thought that love would play out as it does in the fairy tales. Lord, what a contrite notion that I've allowed myself to think that this was possible. Love is frustrating as hell. Romance is far from what the dreams of youth would convince me that they were. Still, I keep hoping that something good could come from it all. I'll admit that I adore a woman right now. There are times that I think this feeling is returned, but then again, there's other times when I just don't know. She has a rough edge to her. When I was younger I thought that was exciting. Now, I just find it utterly exhausting.

Surely, love cannot always be such a hard slog. Yet, the more I think about it, love has always been a challenge for me. But, who the hell am I kidding? Who isn't love a challenge for? I think love is meant to be a challenge. Why? Because humanity is stubborn. We're both solitary yet social creatures. Finding the proper balance of that is probably the most difficult journey that mankind has ever found itself on. If love were easy, divorce rates wouldn't be so high.

Sure it might seem as though I make light of this journey through life. But, I don't think anything could be further from the truth. I'm not attempting to say that life is easy, or that no one can find happiness. Not at all. Rather, I think it's just difficult to place a finger on it, and know what works for us all. If we had easy answers for it all, I doubt that we'd struggle the way that we do. And, would life be interesting if we didn't struggle? As macabre as that sounds, I honestly don't think life would be nearly as interesting if we didn't have our daily struggles. That's the sad truth to it all. Without struggle there'd be no flare to life.

Why does it have to be that way? Now, that is a good question. It's one for which I cannot think of a ready answer at the tip of the tongue. No, I think that's one in which we have to find an answer for ourselves, and it may not be satisfactory to anyone else. That's the funny thing about life, it never really gives clear cut answers. Rather, we have to hunt for it. We have to root out what's important to each and everyone of us on an individual basis. Again, that word "struggle" comes to mind. Lord have mercy, I keep thinking that I'll stumble upon some profound notion here, as my fingers dance across the keyboard, but it's just as elusive as ever.

I've thought about it a bit longer. I think the answer that I've been seeking is one that swims within the inner recesses of my own mind. It's one of those nit-picking things that just won't leave me be. I suppose I'd say it is a fleeting glimpse of the distant horizon, with the sunset framed perfectly for some earth-shattering picture that can steal the heart of all who gaze upon it. But, then, after another moment's reflection, I realize just how corny that sounds. Again, it's as though the words are just out of reach, and the maddening image of this woman who both torments and delights me appears in near perfect silhouette. If I could just rid my mind of her, I'd do it in a heartbeat. But, my heart refuses to let me off the hook that easily.

No, it'd rather just keep linger on like some phantasm of the night, continuing to linger in the penumbras of the mind, lingering to torment. Why must it always be this way? I suppose again, because as I've already mentioned more than once, the meat of life is struggle. I wish it weren't so at times, while I admire every other aspect of it at every other given opportunity and moment. If only waxing poetic could actually bring some modicum of joy in life. Alas, thus far, it not only hasn't, it simply cannot.

They say that you cannot know light without dark, pleasure without pain. I'm sure all of this has a deeper meaning. Yet, the more I think about it, the more I'm drawn to the perplexity of it all. I know they say "curiosity killed the cat," but with love we know the risks and pains of it all. Then again, we're lured by the thought that "this time it can be different." I don't know if it's the perpetual optimism that sickens me, or the fact that we allow ourselves to wishfully be swept up in it all. It all seems wrong, but we know that there's some good that comes from it.

Why does it always come down to this? I honestly don't know. It just drives me up the wall. I love her, I know that much. Yet, deep down I keep asking myself whether she loves me. There truly, honestly, are times when I think she does. Then, she has to go and drive me up the wall again. Her nasty comments, her rudeness. Then, the next day, sweetness all over again. Honestly, the confusion of it all makes it that much worse. I wish it wasn't that way. I wish we could just easily express our desires. But, I've never known that to be an easy thing for people to do. Even those who have been in long-term successful relationships struggle with that aspect of communication. Love isn't easy, but then again, neither is being single. I suppose that's the conundrum of it all. We're trapped either way. What a mess.

Current Mood: confused
Saturday, June 13th, 2015
7:19 pm
The evolution of government and technology.
As I got into my car today, I started to reflect upon how much technology and our everyday lives have changed over the past twenty-six years, since it was built. Perhaps it would be fair to say that the 1980's stood as a transitional period for humanity. What I mean is, that during those times, the digital revolution took hold. Information became more valuable than it had ever been before, and our potential seemed limitless. What's more, I consider this time to have been far more innocent than our current era. The atrocities man is capable of committing, while present, felt more like a distant memory of a barbarous and antiquated world.

In many respects, the Twentieth Century propelled humanity into the modern age, like no previous century. In the course of one-hundred years, automobiles, aircraft, the nuclear age, and even space travel emerged. A person born at the turn of that century would have gone from oil lamps to electric lights; from a mechanical typewriter to the first personal computers. However, that same individual would have faced the ugliest characteristics humanity ever unleashed upon the universe. Industrialization handed humanity the tools to slaughter itself in unprecedented and horrific ways.

At times, I wonder whether humanity ever really overcame the initial shock and horror that gripped us. With the dawning of the nuclear age, mankind has quivered in fear from the awesome and horrific powers he unleashed upon the natural world. Humanist pride wrought inhuman consequences. We played with a type of fire whose flames could engulf the whole of civilization. Even the good and decent things we tapped from that magical split atom can destroy when fate rips control from our often incapable hands. (Think of the nuclear reactor disaster in Japan from 2011.)

All of these developments played a central role in my own upbringing. When I was born the Soviet Union still presented the greatest threat to Western thought. Oppressive regimes battled oppressive regimes in a quest for dominance. Somewhere, in the middle of this melodramatic clash of egos, the real important concerns fell by the wayside. Humanity struggled to comprehend the vast magnitude of destructive potential wrought by its own blindness and stupidity.

When we stood at the brink of our own destruction, for the third time, we had to ask ourselves whether we had really improved the world by developing such an awesome and destructive capability. Had hubris driven us mad after all? Humanity has always possessed the dichotomy of invention and destruction. The two have walked hand-in-hand for as long as mankind set out from his caves in search of a better, more sustainable life. Men who grasped power sought to retain such control through coercion and force. Greed created governments. All government flows from the chaos of life, made all the more chaotic by the uncontrollable avarice and maliciousness of humanity.

Life itself seems to be dominated by two opposite yet equally powerful traits throughout every aspect of the human condition. Knowledge coupled with ignorance. Commitment with laziness. Love with hatred. Creativity dances with limitless potential for destruction.

I believe that many of the world's religions were developed to seek a certain harmony between these forces. We needed answers for those questions which yielded no apparent explanation. Stated differently, mankind actively searched for a harmony between these polar opposite traits which each and every one of us possess. Balance would be the key to coexistence. But, government, being a creation of greed, lacks the tools necessary to achieve this harmonious balance which we all crave.

Power hungry bureaucrats always turn back to their own desire to grow the system, to use it to oppose the individual will. In that since, it lends itself more to the destructive force of humanity than our creative and gentler characteristics. Governments stifle creation, as they lack the insight to create. Rather, government is a coercive force, which degrades and destroys individual human dignity.

Whether technology flourishes is also affected by how much government intrusion we allow. We should always walk a narrow line when it comes to giving the government too much authority. The digital revolution clearly symbolizes the never ending struggle between the polar opposites of freedom and government control. Never before, has so much power been available at the hands of Humanity, as the collective data provided by the Internet. On the other hand, our precious freedoms and liberties have never been at greater risk.

Convenience has been coupled with the ruthless desire to control. I believe this presents the most frustrating and frightening clash of our new age. We are left to wonder whether we must substitute the dignity and privacy of the past for the convenience which seeks to make our lives that much better and easier. To be honest, I do not think it should come down to this question. Alas, government, being the coercive force it always has been, presents us with this nagging question nonetheless.

We must accept the truth that the world will be unable to relinquish the technological developments that swept us through the dying years of the Twentieth Century, and raged in the opening years of the Twenty-first Century. Business, commerce and inter-human relations have been changed so drastically that our current way of life would be unsustainable under the more primitive and spartan technologies of the past century. Could we adapt? Certainly, but the current rate of growth we boast now would become completely unsustainable.

Those simple divisions and polar opposite aspects of life radiate through to the most complicated ethical issues and concerns gripping us today. We cannot escape the quintessential threads which weave the social fabric of our modern world. Society cannot exist without the fundamental basics which compose the sum of its parts. Yet, I continue to believe that the most important aspect of the cloth of our lives is the individual quest for knowledge and betterment. In a sense, our human dignity and our desire to help our friends and loved ones should be harnessed to create the better good. This requires the recognition of our individual dignity, as opposed to some vast, standardized, and faceless bureaucracy.

These are the truths I come upon, every time I reflect upon the nature of my work. I have seen the inner functions of our governmental institutions and legal systems first hand. We have a long way to go if we wish to make things better. Yet, deep down, I still believe in the good of humanity. We can overcome our demons, so long as we do not expect perfection and give room for individuals to develop as their own capabilities allow. In other words, we must grow to understand each other as individuals, as opposed to artificial and standardized groupings. Identity politics should be about the merits and quality of the individual, as opposed to the stereotypes and generalizations of specific groups and subgroups. I long for the day when our governmental institutions finally realize this undeniable truth.

Current Mood: pensive
Thursday, June 11th, 2015
5:40 am
God, what is it about this time of year? I feel the pangs of nostalgia again. I started the largest journey in my life seven years ago, and college ten years ago. The images of the past flash before my mind's eye without much time to pause on how much time has passed since. My heart longs for something that I must have missed, or else it's the exhaustion I feel after four years of constant struggle since graduation and the two years since I got admitted to the State Bar.

There are times that I feel like I have wasted some of the best years of my life. I thought I was gearing up for something of the utmost importance to me. Now that I look back on it? I'm not so sure. Many lessons have been learned over the years, and I've been hardened. That can be either bad or good, I suppose it's all on how I look at it. Yet, all the while there's still some deep yearning within my heart.

Then tomorrow I need to call our financial adviser to ask how the trust that my father set up over fifteen years ago suddenly doesn't have either mom or he listed as trustee. That's a major screw up that cannot happen without written permission. Either way, I sense this is going to turn into a long drawn out affair with red tape and bullshit.

It's at times like these that either a nice glass of Bourbon or Cabernet starts sounding good. Yet, these days it's a vice I seem to enjoy by myself. I've moved on from the circle of friends I had (and they have as well). Something about the adult life is more solitary than I ever imagined that it would be when I was younger.

Sure, I have had a few romantic flings here and there, but nothing has been substantial or meaning since law school. Time, money, work, stress...those four are my constant companions these days. I've often wondered whether I've done it all wrong. I don't believe so, but I do miss sharing my thoughts with a friend, or having some one to just forget it all with.

Being able to relax is something that I have struggled with since graduating from law school. Obligations and concerns reign supreme. Have I forgotten about the other wants and needs I have? Again, I don't think so. Christ, I'm playing lawyer with my emotions now too.

They did say they would change the way we look at the world―the way we think―Well the bastards accomplished that. I don't look at things the same way. It's been mostly for my benefit that I don't...but at times I feel complacent with the world. I hear excuses on a daily basis, and I grow tired of it.

In the end, I'll be alright. I just keep hoping that there's something more out there than what I have stumbled upon now. How circular this post is seeming already. That's what I get for attempting to type this when I'm tired and can't sleep. Worry keeps me up, but it'll pass. I have always managed to work through these slumps of weird yet short pangs of depression and worry. I guess it's a form of summer doldrums that I get nearly every year.

Well, I'll close this post here. I took some Melatonin and maybe I'll finally be able to coax myself to sleep. Maybe my dreams won't be as strange tonight as they have been...dreaming about people I haven't seen in years...seeing what-if scenarios...hearing from people long since departed from this world. Don't worry, I'm not shaken as in the need for concern...I just needed an outlet to attempt to hash out my conflicting feelings. Now I feel better able to try and rest this evening. Tomorrow is going to be a shit show...to say the least.

Current Mood: depressed
Wednesday, June 10th, 2015
6:08 pm
Do convenience and security really outweigh privacy?
Mother said a profound thing today. We were discussing the heavy-handed tactics employed by the federal government in its attempts to force all medical practitioners―irrespective of the sort of medicine they practice―to adopt electronic medical records, (EMR). In the past this has been quite costly, and nearly impossible for small private practitioners to adopt. Nevertheless, as always, the government continues seeking a "one size fits all" policy. I think that's why I've adopted an almost "minarchist" mindset. Deep down, I realize that a centralized government is not always the best actor to achieve the individualized needs for specific people.

Yesterday I was able to find an open source EMR system that would allow my parents to transition to the new record procedures free of cost, however nagging ethical questions remain. Since my parents primarily perform cosmetic surgeries, many of their patients simply do not want the rest of the world to know that they have had these procedures done. Despite this, physicians are still required to keep voluminous medical records on these individual patients in order to track the course of their care. With EMRs both doctors and patients constantly worry about whether the security protocols in place are enough to prevent prying eyes from catching a glimpse of the confidential medical information. Lawmakers can pass whatever laws they want, but that doesn't erase the reality that the new-age digital siege warfare is following the path of actual siege warfare.

That is, defenders will continue to make advances in their defensive arsenal of technology, but the offenders quickly shift to adapt and overcome these new defensive developments. It's like a never ending game of cat and mouse. I honestly cannot say that I know which side will ultimately claim victory in this struggle. Truth be told, I wonder whether it is even possible for one side to "win." Part of me doubts it. I believe this is because even with siege warfare, the fight continues. The realm of cyber security has always been a losing battle for the defenders. Hackers and other malicious actors only have to be right once, whereas defenders have to be right all the time. In that sense, placing highly sensitive and confidential information in an electronic database―simply to please overzealous and overbearing politicians―seems not only foolish, but also reckless.

Then, given the government's track record of keeping open tabs on citizens and allies alike, through programs like the National Security Agency (NSA)'s Prism program, it's not all that far fetched to conclude that the government will pry into the cosmetic patient's record without obtaining a warrant or stating an actual need to do so. Our Internet revolution has presented us with so many fantastic opportunities to gain knowledge and a better understanding of our world. But, at the same time, it has unleashed a plethora of undesirable consequences which we haven't even really begun to uncover. Under the current system, it seems that the government is the only entity that is able to keep secrets. Privacy has been thrown to the wayside. I have a real problem with this.

Whenever power is consolidated into the hands of the few, abuses are bound to occur. I believe this is something that all people can agree upon. It's not something that is limited by the classical boundaries of partisan politics. The adage of "power corrupts, absolute power corrupts absolutely," comes to mind. Human nature drives even the most principled souls to abandon their firm convictions when they believe it will help them consolidate or secure their power. It is for this reason that I believe that governmental control should be fragmented.

Otherwise, we have placed Pandora's box in front of an inquisitive child with impulse control issues. Honestly, that's how the federal government has been acting with regard to this treasure trove of information. The government possesses complete oversight over the people, but who in the hell is overseeing the government? Events over the course of the past two years clearly demonstrates that there has been little to no oversight in regards to these governmental agencies. That should be troubling to anyone, no matter what their political ideologies are.

What's worse, the excuse of protecting us from terrorism is running thin. It's a straw-man argument at best. What do our medical records, telephone conversations and emails have to do with terrorism? Sure, terrorists use communications to orchestrate their plots. However, as the Boston Marathon Bombing case proves, even with these vast quantities of information, the government failed to act upon it, thereby preventing the tragedy in the first place.

Even the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) has admitted that the information collected has not been an asset in preventing crime or even acts of terrorism. Therefore, I think it is well past time that we stop and reconsider our priorities when it comes to civil liberties and human rights here. Are we really to believe that we must shed our dignity and our right to privacy for security?

Current Mood: contemplative
4:08 am
1:57 am
That was interesting...

Current Mood: accomplished
Tuesday, May 5th, 2015
2:26 am
Things are progressing...sort of.
Well, now that Dad has had his Aortic valve replacement for asymptomatic Aortic Stenosis things are starting to get back to normal. Mother's law suit is still proceeding. Although her attorney and I have butted heads a few times. I don't think she's paying enough attention to the case, and several times I've warned her about deadlines which she nearly missed. I don't understand how one can be in practice for this long and yet be so sloppy.

Romantically? I had a few dates at the start of the year, and we both let it peacefully end. I'm just not in a financially secure enough situation to be in a relationship. I know I'll find someone when I put my time and energy to it, but as of now, I don't have the time nor the energy to commit to it.

Money wise, we are all hurting. The government taxed me again for my bar license. I wish I could get a government attorney job which axes the tax for practice. But, they're simply not responding to the applications. It's not like the old days where one could show up and score an interview. Everything is online now, which supposedly makes things more efficient, but I have found the lacking of the human element makes things more difficult for everyone involved.

Fighting with the insurance company to get the roof repaired. I've come to the conclusion that insurance is little more than legalized theft. I'm sure I've said this once or twice before in these pages, but Jesus, it's true. Worse yet, I'm still fighting these bastards on the foundation.

Also, when the bank screwed us on our accounts because of the arrogant banking officer, I reported them to the Office of Comptroller and Currency (OCC). The bank didn't like my actions one bit after they wrongfully closed our accounts...so they jacked up the rate on our auto insurance. I filed yet another complaint with OCC...if they keep this up I'll have their FCC license and remuneration out the wazoo.

I'm finished with being polite with these institutions. They have forgotten loyalty and customer service. So, I'll force them to remember. If there's one thing law school has taught me, it's to stand up for myself. I'm glad that I'm able to do so.

In other news? In about 19 days I'll hit the 30 barrier. Though I'm headed straight for it, part of me feels older, and part of me feels younger. There's a lot more I want out of life, but I just haven't earned it yet. So, I'm still keeping my nose to the grindstone. We'll see how things turn out.

Current Mood: sleepy
Thursday, September 25th, 2014
12:16 pm
Historical Titles of Eras.

Current Mood: quixotic
Wednesday, September 10th, 2014
4:25 pm

Current Mood: accomplished
Sunday, August 31st, 2014
10:28 pm
More Reflections.

Current Mood: thoughtful
Thursday, August 28th, 2014
10:21 pm
Random Thoughts

Current Mood: pensive
Sunday, August 24th, 2014
2:37 pm
Thursday, August 21st, 2014
4:40 pm
strange times.

Current Mood: stressed
Wednesday, August 13th, 2014
8:04 pm

Translation: Well, I thought I might attempt recording my thoughts via my fountain pen today. Ever since I was a small child―learning to write―the powers that be believed that I might never develop a neat and legible form of handwriting. This was because I suffered from a unique form of learning disability known as a "visual tracking deficit". Thus, teachers and developmentalists all concluded that I would never develop legible handwriting.

Needless to say, I am not one to surrender to my shortcomings. Despite the great, difficult and painful journey―I forced myself to write for countless hours, until a third party could decipher the marks I blotted on the page. While others can interpret what I jot down today, I still wish that my penmanship was better. My dream would be to write as beautifully as they did in the late Nineteenth, and early Twentieth Centuries. But, for now, I am contented with the knowledge that anyone can read my penmanship at all.

In other news, we got mother's car in today. It looks like the problem is the vacuum seal on the transmission. There's no telling how much that's going to cost us. But, it must be taken care of. I want mother in the best frame of mind when it comes to the pending lawsuit.

So, again, I continue the march to the best of my ability. It's simply the only way I know how to lead my life.

Current Mood: contemplative
Tuesday, August 12th, 2014
10:26 pm
When it rains it pours.
That statement is really holding true for today. I spend over 12 hours at the office today, and then when I get ready to go home, I notice mother's car is having a massive oil leak and pouring out plumes of white smoke. So it looks like a seal has gone. Of course, this comes at the most inconvenient of times, when money is tighter than it has been in a while. Worse yet, we are heading fast towards our meeting date with the other attorneys, and the last thing we need is to be without one of our vehicles.

Waco's public transportation consists of two rundown buses that smoke worse than mom's car, at the moment, and neither one of them go by the office. So, that leaves us with little to no options. I now have to become chauffeur on top of legal adviser and counselor. I don't mind, except that our morning schedules conflict. I guess the daily driver has to come out after all, even though the paint is going to hell on it. I can risk racking up a few more expenses on it, as it will always be less than the insane amount of money the witch suing us is wanting.

Then my parent's office manager runs to me asking me to draft a power of attorney for her son, who has attempted to kill himself in the past day. I told her that so long as he was unwilling to sign it himself, my hands are tied since the kiddo is twenty now. I called my sister to see if we could involuntarily commit him. This would have been doable except for the fact that the kid's father (divorced from the mother) started to say that his kid wasn't crazy. He threatened to file a complaint with the bar. I gave him my bar number and told him to go ahead and try it. He backed off because he realized that the only thing I was trying to do was help his son.

The good news is, the kids grand parents, one who happens to be a retired state trooper, is checking him into a rehabilitation center. All of this happening, when I finally get the expert witness report for the case involving my mother. I am running around like a chicken with its head cut off. I feel like I'm being run down over time, and that I'm not going to be able to continue at this pace for much longer.

One thing's for certain, people sure seem to be more willing to go at each other's throats these days. I guess the economy has a great deal to do with that. I know we have been hurting for the past six years. I honestly want a huge shift in political policy in this country. Both sides aren't worth a damn, and they're only making things harder on the middle class, without actually helping the poor.

I come home and then Dad wants me to help him find his turtles. Why he puts them out in this pen he built, when he knows he won't be home until after sun down is beyond me. So I'm out digging through this dirt filled pen for thirty minutes, getting eaten alive by mosquitoes, and I'm only able to find one of the damn creatures. I think he will be able to find the other when he gets home, but my feet are already killing me from standing and sorting through files for 8 of the 12 hours I spent working.

I suppose it's my own fault for dressing up for work, even though I didn't have court today. But, I believe in proper attire for work. Well, whatever, I gotta get ready for another long day. FML

Current Mood: grumpy
Monday, August 11th, 2014
10:11 pm
Two entries on one night?
Well, I suppose it can't be helped. My mind is working at a much faster rate than normal. I've been digging around statutes, case law, and even the expert witness for the other side. I haven't felt this aggressive since law school itself. Then again, I haven't put through sleepless nights like this since law school. God, what happened to the energy of six years ago? I suppose a more pertinent question is: What in the hell happened to my optimism?

That's a good question. I don't suppose I have a ready answer for it either. I just watch the world burn around me and feel a strange desire to either laugh or give up. I suppose I need to update on the eviction case of months back. Our attorneys fucked it up. They didn't speak with us, gave information to the opposition without consulting me or my parents. Needless to say, after they charged us thirteen-thousand dollars for this, without even writing up a fee contract, I had, had just about enough with their violations of the Code of Professional Conduct.

I'm sure this put my career at risk, but I don't give a shit anymore. I filed a complaint against the attorney in particular, and his firm in general with the Texas Bar. They are currently being investigated, and my brief is being used against them. Some part of me feels dirty for this, but holy shit, if they treat a fellow attorney like this, could you imagine the way they abuse their other clients? It gives the profession a bad name.

On a good note, my 25 year-old classic car has been repaired. My main driver however, well it's only six, and the clear coat paint is peeling off. So now I drive the basically restored classic every day now. Which, oddly enough makes me happy again. I have missed driving the old car. It's a 1989 Mercedes Benz 560SL Garnet exterior and cream interior. The upholstery still needs a fair amount of work, and the air conditioning drips cold water on my feet. But, she runs again for the first time in four years.

That was my dream car, still is frankly. When I step behind the wheel I forget about all the troubles I have. When growing up my mother had one of these cars. She still drives hers every day. But, I fell in love with it at the time. It had a majestic look to it, a look that modern cars simply lack. It's my escape device. Better that than alcohol. Although, if I had less control over myself, I'd probably have a drink tonight.


That picture is of the old girl before she stopped running. I'm missing the center star-shaped hubcap pieces right now. I'll get them replaced eventually. Any how, I had a chance to visit my best friend for the first time in several months over the weekend. That was nice. I am also saddened to hear that another friend is getting divorced after five years of marriage. But, in a way, I think she'll be better off. Her husband was unfaithful from day one. I understand a desire to make the relationship work out, but he wasn't even willing to work with her. It's too bad, but I was glad that the family attorney I sent her to helped work all that out.

And that's a current picture of the dash and steering wheel. It still floors me that they had airbags that early on. Of course, modern air bags are much smaller and better, but still, a car going on thirty years old (well five years from it, and four years younger than me... o_O; God I'm still not used to the fact that I'm on the cusp of three-decades.) had air bags is stunning. The stereo is new. I still have the original tape-deck stereo, but it wasn't working all that well, and I wanted something better. So I put in a CD player the year I bought it (2006. So I have had the darling girl for 8 years now. It doesn't feel like it's been that long. Heh, that car drove my date and I to many a nice evening in college. Then law school required I get a newer car that could handle the long journeys, and she slipped into disrepair for a short while. I finally amassed the cash to get her spark plugs changed, oil filter replaced, new air conditioner clutch, transmission flushed and topped, new windshield wipers, and new brakes. Now she runs like a new car, better than when I first got her, in fact.)

Some might think it's strange to form such a fondness for an inanimate object. But, cars hold memories, they are an expression of a stage in our lives, and for that reason they are special. And that's one of the most special cars from happier times. So, she'll remain a gem to me.

It's funny, when people come to me for legal advice, I always get this strange feeling that I'm some how ruining something. For one thing, I don't think I could ever be a family law attorney. Divorces, custody issues, all of those sorts of things just don't fit me. I have enough trouble maintaining my soul as is. We shall see what the future holds. I'm trying to stay positive, and at least I've found an outlet.

Well I need to prepare for my meeting on Friday. I want to make sure that we are well prepared for when deposition time comes, and that our answer fully addresses the petition forced upon us by that witch. I wish I could divorce myself from my emotions more easily, but then I wouldn't be human...would I?

Oh well, I march on as ever.

Current Mood: tired
9:06 pm
I'm not certain.
Well, a former patient has decided that it might be cool to sue my mother. Her attorney seems like a real piece of work. He's already delved into some intimidation tactics, which I promptly quashed. We have a meeting scheduled with our insurance supplied attorney. She's supposedly the best in the business, and I have no questions as to that effect.

What I am concerned about is just how committed she'll be to our case. Insurance attorneys always have two masters, and that's not something that I consider to be the best―in terms of coming to the defense of people being sued. Either way, I'm determined to be as mean of a son-of-a-bitch as necessary to ensure that my family is protected.

I consider most plaintiffs to be vultures of types. That's not to say there aren't warranted cases. However, more often than not, I consider these malpractice suits as a type of get-rich-quick scheme. If people want to know why healthcare costs are so high, that's the answer. These attorneys sit on the corner like jackals, waiting for the moment to strike a seven-figure sum for something that really isn't worth that.

That's the biggest problem with our legal system. We attempt to quantify pain and suffering, and the value of human life. How horrid. Life cannot be measured or quantified by money alone. It is unethical, in my opinion, to attempt to do so. I suppose that's why I've never really been lured into the plaintiff's bar. All I can say is, it makes me shudder to think of it.

But, it has been hell on my mother, and it pains me to see that it is effecting her in the way it is. She's almost seventy-one years old, and this sort of bullshit takes a bigger toll on her than in the past. Even though I have stepped into the defensive role with my license and all, it still feels awkward taking that more pro-active step. Christ, I feel it consuming my soul too.

I have always had a temper, but I've found ways to hide it, and that's very useful in court or in my professional relationships, but there are times when I feel it's tearing away at the very essence of my being.

It was nice going to Georgia last month, but God, upon my return all hell broke loose. My sister is dating an alcoholic with no future prospects, fighting with mother and father, and then the law suit on top of it all. Then another patient throws a fit because she didn't like the outcome of her topical treatment. So I draft the release and refund. She won't be too happy about that, but I don't give two shits, I'll tell her to talk to an attorney before she signs it. I'll also tell her that I will use the release as evidence, and if she doesn't sign it, it's bad faith on her part.

These God Damned vultures don't deserve leniency, to be honest, that side of my character has been burnt out. At this point, I'm an aggressive, angry, bitter soul, and I'm channeling that energy to ward off the predators at bay. I'm sure the usual, more laid back "me" will reappear at some point. When things settle down again. But, at this point, I'm hoping to put my training to good use.

Added to this my ex is trying to talk to me again. That's cute, it's been three years, and she made my life a living hell at the end. If she thinks she can just come waltzing back into my life―then she's sorely mistaken. She burned that bridge, and I'm not casting a life line to her. To be honest, I haven't even attempted to rekindle romance in my life. I haven't the time or the energy for it right now.

I damn sure don't want to go down the path that my sister is. She's dating an alcoholic with no future prospects. He lives in a trailer (not that there's anything wrong with that per se), but won't advance himself because he prefers drinking. He has 3 DWI's!!! Even my sister's therapist, whom I consider the most wicked she-wolf on earth, despises this guy. But, my sister's in a "I HATE MY FUCKING FAMILY" mood right now, and I've gotten to the point where I avoid her as much as possible.

She even said "Why are you keeping your distance?" Jesus, really? Why am I keeping my fucking distance? Let's see, you say I need therapy when I get aggressive in my legal defenses,and say that I'm a horrible person; and then you turn down a good job position; all so you can date a fucking loser? Spare me, I am not going to tolerate your hypocritical bullshit.

I do love my sister, but right now it's a very distant filial piety on my part. There are other things that must take precedence in my life right now, and I simply lack the energy to wage these petty battles right now. It's aging me and in a hurry. I've already started to gray, and I have deep set frown lines. I'm not even thirty, yet I look like I'm approaching forty. So, I must do what I can to rejuvenate my spirit.

Time will heal my wounds, this I know. Right now, I'm just looking to get past the dark hours. They will pass, as they always have, but I wonder if part of me disappears each time? God, who knows. I need a good night's rest tonight. Maybe things will clear up a bit in the morning.

Current Mood: pissed off
Tuesday, December 10th, 2013
10:28 pm
God, Why?
Do you ever have one of those moments where you wonder why you went through all the training that you did? I did today. A month-and-a-half ago, the former landlord of my parents, who also served as a protege of their's during med school, kicked them out of their office space―of eight years―to expand his own office space. I had everything lined up for the more experienced attorney. Rent checks dating back seven-and-a-half years (to the original first amendment of the lease) to ensure that our case went smoothly. Well, they put some jack ass associate on the case, who knows less about the law than I do (the semi-unemployed young bastard)–to the case, and he tips our hand. Now, the partners of the firm want $10,000 as a retainer to go after the landlord, whom my parents bailed out thirty years ago, just because some of the evidence is speculative.

If I had more experience, I'd have taken this case head on, but I wanted to ensure my parents had the best representation. At the moment, I feel like the biggest failure that has ever held a law license. Why the fuck did I let go of control on this case. I know I'm too connected to it, but for Christ's sake, this ass hole went forward with settlement planning, without even contacting the client. That's a huge ethics violation, and I've already reported his ass to the bar for it. Maybe it's all sour grapes, and I'm looking at everything through rose colored glasses, but I don't think so.

If I learned anything through those three years of hell, it was to respect the views of the client, and to keep them well versed in the progress of the case. I'm ashamed as an advocate, as a lawyer, and as a fucking son, for allowing such things to happen. I should have stayed on top of the case. I can't believe how angry I am at the moment. We may get $1,000 out of the deal, which won't even cover the $50,000 loan needed to complete the move in three days. I swear, if I could shoot the mother fucker who did this to my parents, and get away with it, I'd do it in a heart beat.

I know that's mere bravado speaking, but it explains how I feel at the moment. Why did I even go into law? I wonder that all the time, until I remember the few that I have helped. This modern world baffles me. It's not a good world, it's not one where people strive to help one another. I'll recover from this mood, but I'm rather disillusioned right now.

Current Mood: crushed
Wednesday, October 9th, 2013
6:35 pm
Well, my parents were wrongfully evicted from their office space, and now I'm heading up the legal challenge against the landlord. His attorney is a particular prick, but I think that I have my ducks in a row, and have been in communications with another attorney, who is assisting me with this matter. We'll see where it goes from here.

The other fight that is developing right now, is one with the insurance company which denied coverage on one of our cars, despire the fact that the policy language clearly covers it. Then, insultingly, they returned the premiums, but only to the point where the claim was made, even though they are essentially claiming that they never covered the car. I'm gearing up to probably sue them as well, if they refuse to do anything more.

I don't like being the sort of person who engages in this sort of activity, but it cannot be helped, when these people refuse to work with us, or to work in an honest fashion. We'll see how these things develop. Right now, it's all I can do just to keep my head above water.

Current Mood: aggravated
Monday, June 3rd, 2013
2:07 am
Damn illness strikes again.
It's strange, my birthday comes, and within a week, I'm struck with round two of the cold/flu. I'm not weak either, it's just been a strong bug this year. I'm standing on the brink of defeating the bug, and have been suffering with it for almost a week. Other than that, I'm in a some what reflexive mood. I'm not making much progress, but then again, I wasn't expecting to at the moment. I'll overcome this, as I have every other obstacle. Yet, some how I feel like I'm not as quick to rebound as I once was. Getting older has its ups and downs, that's for sure.

Twenty-eight years isn't that long, but it's long enough to see some hopes and dreams crumble, only to be replaced by new ones. I can say that in my twenty-eight years on this earth I have accomplished a fair amount. I am a licensed attorney, and even with what little that's making me right now, I wouldn't trade that accomplishment for the world. I have learned to love, and learned to lose. I have learned to value the importance of friendships, and I have learned the bitterness of betrayal. All-in-all, I have seen a lot, loved more, and lost considerably; yet, I remain as confident as ever in what my goals are, and what it is that I shall achieve. After all, if life were easy, then it wouldn't be worth living.

So, I prepare myself for the coming days. I know that in time, even this time of perceived set-back will carry a lesson with it, which I will take to heart. I long to learn what that message is, but I know that it will come to me all in due time. For now, I must rest, regain my strength, and prepare for the next phase of this never ending march through life.

Current Mood: sick
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